After watching the old tv serial on Mirza Ghalib the shayar in me has awaken who used to make small shayaris from all the small moments of life. Today i wrote three small shayaris and wish to know your comments to improve further:
सालों इंतज़ार के बाद उनका एक पैगाम आया...
समझ नहीं आता, पैगाम देख कर खुश हो या तारीख देख कर |
हम तो तन्हा ही आये थे और तन्हा ही चले जायेंगे,
अए ज़माने, तू उनको बेवफा न कहना |
अगर कोई हमसफ़र मिल जाये तो मीलों चले जाएँ...
अकेले में तो राह का हर पेड़ मील का पत्थर लगता है |
--- लम्हा (Lamha)
Correction....teesri shayari main....
ReplyDelete"रह" nahi hoga raah hoga... :P
BTW ahem....ahem....kiske liye hain ye shayari :)
Hi ...
ReplyDeleteIts a great "first attempt " ....
But...
the scope for improvement is always there :) :) !!
I guess a good Urdu vocab is absolutely imperative if u want to write well...That comes with reading, learning, practice and most importantly ...INTEREST :):) ... N then clarity and preciseness of thoughts....i mean...it should be short and forceful...cut out unnecessary wrds.. read it again and again...u would know urself whn u have the exact thought and expression... :) ... would try to rewrite them jus as a suggestion and mail them along with some f my wrk ... :)..
But its really good for sumone who jus started writing... :)
ALL the best ... hope ur writing takes u places :) some private islands ...unvisited..surprising :)writing sumtimes does that ..
Thanks so much for sharing :) !! tk cr !
Great stuff dude...
ReplyDeletewaise bhi market mein kam hi achhe shayar bache hain...u hav to potential to fill in the palce vacated after Ghalib...
thoda jyaada ho gaya shayad :)
One small suggestion ...yeh shayari ussko suna bhi do ...jiski yaad mein likhi hia... pakka maan jaayegi...
aur meri vahiyaaat 'shabdaavali' ki liye khaksaar maafi chahta hia :D
Nice attempt for a start.. keep the good work going..
ReplyDeleteone more thing..
zaruri hai.. zaruri hai..
ki har shayari se pehle kahin koi aashiqui hoti hai..
aur..
har us ashiqi ke baad koi wafa ya bewafayi hoti hai..
all the best..